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I masturbated every day, methodically, sometimes three or five sessions of jilling off over the course of the day, trying to determine, more or less scientifically, whether it really did make me get those headaches, and if so, what kind of masturbation it took to do it. It was the first time another person had run a finger over my clitoris , and if I close my eyes and think about it, I can still remember how shockingly strong, and how shockingly good, it felt. But not in the way you might think. I certainly couldn't call for help, for if I was certain of anything in that moment, or during the long night afterward, it was that whatever was happening to me, I had done it to myself by masturbating. When we help to create joy, when we generate pleasure, we recreate ourselves in freedom and light and the grace of God. My headaches had nothing to do with it after all. I remember thinking obliquely that it was fortunate that I hadn't splattered the book, or I would've had a bit of explaining to do the next time I babysat for the Hirschfelds.

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The boy in question, one of my best male friends, had walked home from school with me, and we'd gone from sitting on my bed and talking to having an all-out kissathon, hands roving over one another's' bodies, breath quickening, nipples stiff to the point of aching, bumping and grinding as our teeth clashed and tongues wrestled with all the energy of the revelatory newness of reciprocated desire. In short, I became an ace masturbator.

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Going Blind: A Masturbation Memoir

May it give you the space in which to grow and love, yearn and dance, spin with dizzy delight and weep with the bone-deep joy of enlightenments of all kinds. That night, I jilled off in spite of my usual prohibition, coming hard, burying my face in my pillows as I recalled the taste of my friend's lips, the feel of his hands, the strength of his body against mine, the rough velvet of a finger - someone else's finger - on my clit. Mostly I was embarrassed and convinced I didn't dare tell anyone what had happened. It had nothing to do with where I stuck my fingers, or what I read while I did it, or even where I did it or how "wrong" it might've been in someone else's eyes that I was there, underaged, writhing in ecstasy, my fingers doing the walking. I'm not sure quite what I thought the connection was between my masturbation and the horrible pain I'd gone through.

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